Fear of the Perfect Soundtrack

As we're alone in our silence, wrapped in our warmth, our heart beats the perfect soundtrack.
Thinking back, I didnt expect for you to catch me. I didnt even expect to fall. O but I could stare into the chocolate sea swirling in your eyes all night but i refuse to give myself permission. I have the choice right now to allow you to mean the world to me or nothin at all.
But I choose neither because I have a healthy fear of instability. My last experience was an emotional rollercoaster, so up and down. I swear, Vivian Green, herself sat right behind me the whole ride, singin how I felt. Hands in the air and no seatbelt, we were, but the life we shared extinguished when the ride threw us for a loop. I dont want a reoccurrence, this time with Sade in the back reminding me of how you took my love. In my past, I always felt like it was me tho. I always wanted "too much, too much." But I still want too much, too much... a thousand kisses doesnt even scratch the surface. But this time I'm changing the game to ice cold. I'm trying so hard not to listen to our heart beat. Damn, but the Neptunes couldnt have made such a hard beat. And even cahsing me in this 20 degree weather, somehow you can still turn up the heat. My icy facade is fading and once again I'm desperate for your copious kisses. I am a glutton for your embrace and to feed my greed.... only heaven can describe my constant unsatisfaction. NO! Ice cold! But the game is melting away 'cause you've managed to take off my cool and see the real beneath it all:
Insecurities...
...loyalty...
...passion...
...honesty...
...morals...
I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death. This is what this whole thing is about... pure fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what was known before and fear of what you want me to know now. What should I believe? Which is real? My heart, right before the brisk wind blows in my ear, screams to slow dance with you. Yea slow dance, come on, hold my waist, nuzzle your nose in the scent of my neck as we sway to the latest rhythm and blues. Caught up completely in a moment for minutes that only last seconds. How simple but to slow dance, having our bodies to communicate what our heart dares not to. Straight on into the next track.... Your ice creams seem to slip across the floor, creamy and smooth. I follow along as the spoon, chasing my next taste. Really there's no need for the DJ 'cause our heart beats the perfect soundtrack. Its like neither of us can dance around this feeling to fall deeper into each others eyes, imaging beautiful dates and ways to make the other smile. Our heart beats:
I promise...
...to be there...
...during bad times...
...during good.
Regardless if my help is useless, I will be there to hold you and stare into your tear-staid eyes hoping that by some chance i take you away from your sorrow... I promise... I will hold your hands, praying that as our palms touch, God hears my pleas to relieve your sadness. They are right that you fall unexpectedly 'cause I feel myself falling further into this moment no matter how I fight the feelings away. Its like your eyes were wandering and lusting after trendsetters while your heart was looking for the truth.
I didnt expect for you to catch me. I didnt even expect to fall. O but Cupid definitely has a mean grip. The last time he got a hold of me, he had me choking for almost four years. I know firsthand how seriously he takes his job especially during the summer and around February. But mayb I'm jus another fool stung by the arrow, falling for the charm. Maybe our hearts really arent in sync and its only mine that I hear beating. But to think like that would totally ruin the whole album and I was really hoping for the perfect soundtrack so I can put that thing on repeat.


[written Feb 2005; from my myspace.com blog]